inquietude

run run run

i spent the entire day with k and a. 

tomorrow i leave for the fabulous 405 at 12:30.

friday --> saturday

all i remember about this morning is falling asleep in front of my laptop on 2w at 4 am and having ow coming up and being like, um, you're asleep.  then we had some conversation, i honestly don't know what it was, but the next thing i know it's 9:20 and i'm almost late for work.

work.  ahh, four hours of staring at oscilloscopes, a couple of hours of data analysis, an hour of nothing, another hour of  ... ? oh, that's right, finishing up my ucla app because i slept instead of worked the night before.  it all goes over surprisingly well.  al calls at 5 pm.  you better come this time, okay?  submit ucla application.  happy hour drinks (more like, one) with al, mb, and jm.  what a crazy bunch.  go home, talk to housemates, nuzzle marmalade nose.  eat broken gingerbread house.

then watching weird music videos w/m.  almost fell asleep.  did, actually.

xox.

oh, you know.

work was unremarkable.  i was so tired.  and i had like three cups of coffee today.  a 68-year-old woman came in for a scan.  i had to ask her questions related to ptsd.  do you look at gross or erotic images?  have you been in a fire?  have you been threatened with death or held at gunpoint?  how about witnessed a crime?  etc?  what did you think of the words?  the pictures?  in case you're wondering, we make these people look at (ugh, very) graphic and not-so-graphic scenes, and ask them to rate their emotional responses.  then we do the same with words.  ks and i will be sitting in lab, staring at the screen, into space, discussing the suprerior colliculus, whatever, and words like 'cocksucker' will come up.  a dude walked into the lab as a topless woman walking on a beach suddenly appeared on the screen/projector.

oh, science.  you craaazy.

i hate to say it

but things like that are flattering but pretty disappointing.  or weirding-out, or something.  i am always expecting something different and maybe better.  i mean, i guess i shouldn't complain.  but i kind of want to cry.  and break shit.  and sleep.  and not think. 

haha.  emotions.  pshh.  i am not sure how i feel about those days where it feels like you've done a total 360.  like, you were trying to escape yourself, but you ended up right where you started.

the grad school apps are just not happening.  mostly, i keep feeling like they are not good enough.  i don't care, honestly.  for fuck's sake.  get it over with, already.

these days

i feel completely inert.  despite my heartfelt laugh, and my real, but unintimidating, physical presence.

luckily, this can be remedied!

i'm obsessed with monogrammed towels

and i've never had to write so many SAs in my life.

helicase

and this is why i don't like microbiology: most things look better without all that magnification.

commutative properties of s.a.

on mondays, since i stay at work late, i go in in the early afternoon.  this morning, i woke up comfortably late, worked on compiling addresses for the places i need to mail my transcripts, ate breakfast (chocolate yogurt with frozen raspberries.  yum.), and left for work.

the commute to work, despite itself, is the most peaceful thing ever.  when i lived in davis, the commute was the least favorite part of my day, although the seven-minute zen walk to the subway was a pretty nice thing.  i still have that with my new place, but now i only have to be on the subway for one stop, and it's usually not crowded like it is at d.  so that's pretty great, in my book.  then i walk through the hospital, which i like.  the shuttle ride is about 20 minutes and i usually take a nap.  the shuttle drivers are jovial and know all of us.  on some days, when i actually get to work on time, i see my coworkers commuting, too.  but usually not haha.

 - - -

hmm.  i have quite the busy week lined up.  i'm conducting my very first interview as an educational counselor on wednesday. 

i don't really have any grandiose plans for tonight.  i guess i should probably work on my applications.  nothing at this school is really up my alley but that's okay.

nina, pinta, santa maria

i really like the song "chicago" by sufjan stevens.  it sounds so honest.  when he admits that he's made a lot of mistakes, he says it with so much conviction that i have to doubt whether i'm really doing the right things.

my vision's improved greatly ever since i started looking back.  and when i grow up, i will have even better glasses.

i spent this whole day on the computer.  last night, here at home, we computed, and then watched snl.  there was one decidedly funny skit.  the others, well, they were okay.

turns out, i'm still sensitive to sugar.  from now on, i'm only going to make friends that are bitter.

i want to do lots of things, but i am too lazy to begin them.  goethe would probably be sad.  he says that boldness has beauty, magic, and power in it.  i imagine him boasting, "begin it now!" with the enthusiasm of the announcer from the oklahoma discount furniture commercial.  i want to exercise and learn how to cook and have time to fix my hair and have time to have time and just have time.  km says there are 24 hours a day and everyone gets the same amount, no more, no less.  she's so right.  days are equal-opportunity.

i waste time, though.  i compare my insides to people's outsides.  it makes me think i am too honest, too outspoken when it's unnecessary, too quiet when i need to speak out, maybe too focused on the wrong things.  who isn't, though.

when i have time within the time i do not have i tune into the background thread in my head.  (randy buckner might call it the "default network.")  i think of how i can improve myself.  how i am not doing much for others, sometimes. 

my cat the fuzzy marmalade nose has contoured her body to fit along where my elbow is resting on this big red papasan.  and who just moved her paw out of where it was folded, for a second, to stretch.  she reminds me of a stuffed animal that was accidentally brought to life.

save the whales

today, i was typing at my computer at work when i noticed the green whale that e.c. had drawn on the back of my hand.  i forgot it was there.  apparently, i don't know the back of my hand as well as i am supposed to.

remember that song, "back of my hand"?  ugh.  i remember putting it on a mix tape when i lived at home, driving around town in the winter, listening to gemma hayes belt it out, well, as much as people belt it out these days, anyway.

anyway.  drawings.  i drew an aromatic molecule on e.c.'s foot in purple permanent marker.  then, a line to a speech bubble, that said, "hello?  is this thing on?"  since i was using the linear model, it actually looked like a methyl and a benzene in conversation.  we all laughed a lot.